Darlings! You will not believe the adventures I have been having! In my work life I have been busy doing Secret Squirrel assignments, and in my private life I have attempted to become an anarchist. Listen up peeps, I went to the Bristol Anarchist Bookfair. Now, bearing in mind it was organised by anarchists and therefore should have been a complete shambles, it was well organised and had a good selection of stalls, albeit ones selling mainly the same things. It perhaps should have been called 'The Another Dinner is Possible and Big Silver Keith Mann Bookfair' since those books were available on every stall. Aside from filling my vegan designer handbag with books about mohicans, being unemployed and wearing boots that lace up to the kneecaps, I discovered a stall selling the most interesting things. 'HANDMADE VEGAN SEX TOYS'. I looked at the lady on the stall who looked as if she relied quite heavily on her wares and tried not to laugh. I really wanted to ask her if they were fair trade and organic as well, but didn't, because she was a scary punk. It was so much like being in Crawley town centre in 1987 where the great unwashed frequented with their mohicans to scare young children. I predict demos outside Ann Summers shops by hippies bearing placards reading, "make all sex toys vegan".
The best thing about the book fair was the Hunt Sabs stall where they were selling cold Linda McCartney sausage rolls and some chocolate concoction which was AWESOME. I was only able to pop in to the bookfair for the first hour, so most of the anarchists were still in bed because in their quest not to conform with the rest of society they were at home being fed cider (no product placement here of non-vegan cider) through an intravenous hole in their bodies which was created in a backstreet tattoo parlour. Or they were busy sewing patches onto their smelly unwashed denim jackets whilst listening to punk music about people murdering each other or something. Big up the Sex Pistols darling!
Anyway, back to the Wag lifestyle, I can only handle punks once a year for an hour, but my current ambition is more pressing than punk. I am desperately trying to get my dirty hands on a Vitamix. Listen up darlings. For those who were at the Bristol Vegan Fayre there was a roll up smoking dude called Steve Sparks who was pimping his Vitamix machine. This is an all singing, all dancing machine that makes soup, ice cream, smoothies, bread, ground coffee, nut butters, bread dough, nut milks, and orgasms. I want one, I want one now. An orgasm and a Vitamix. There was this dude pimping his lifestyle machine and I was on my hands and knees begging for it. (Apologies Mummy and Daddy if you are reading this filth). I am gagging for it. www.vitamix.co.uk
I hope to be reviewing some products for the next issue of Off The Hoof, it's highly likely to be products like wine, beer, sex toys, or a Vitamix machine. Though knowing my luck Super Kazza will get the good stuff and I'll be left to review products such as lentil soup and straight edge bibles.
Since I am having notitions about being knocked up by my husband I suspect that my next blog will see me turning from Media Tart into Earth Mother. Go and spend the afternoon in Harvey Nicks while I stay at home and cook lentils. On the subject of Harvey Nicks I am now going to have a total bitch about fur. I have been told explicitly by Advocates for Animals www.advocatesforanimals.org.uk that Harvey Nicks don't sell fur. So, if my darling darling Harvey Nicks don't sell fur, then why the hell are other fashion houses (clothes shops to you mere plebs) selling it? For instance Colleen Rooney, (the one who is married to that footballer man who looks like he should be in a Shrek movie) shops in Cricket in Liverpool, which according to Merseyside Animal Rights is a purveyor of fur. Just like Harrods. I mean, WTF is that all about? Just because you're loaded (like me) doesn't mean you want to have a dead animal hanging over your shoulders. If I was going to parade around town with something around my neck it wouldn't be the pelt of a fox, it would be the arms of a very fit and sexy man. Preferably one who is willing to fund my high maintenance lifestyle.
Anyway darlings, I have to go. I am currently having fantasies about the following; The Incredible Veggie Roadshow in London on the 26th September, the Eco Veggie Fayre in Croydon on the 1st November; beer, sex and rock and roll, and the possiblity of becoming Straight Edge for a month just to see if they are all as mad as they come across.
Mwah Mwah darlings!!
XXX
